I am aware that I don’t share much of what’s going on emotionally with me.

However, this time I feel compelled to share.

For the past few months I had been noticing a certain emotional energy that came up. Often times I was quick to dismiss this energy. What happened next was the more I dismissed it, it came back with stronger energy to the point it had started to bother me and my mental health.

I started to question myself why this energy come up out of nowhere. I even tried to identify what the hell is it. I only got bits and pieces. I was clueless to why I was harassed by it.

It made me feel uncomfortable and this energy scarred me a bit.

Two nights ago, while I was getting ready to sleep, it came up with full force. It confronted me face to face and it showed itself to me. What I saw scared me. My mind freaked out and I was 100% scared for my life. I didn’t know what to do but I reminded myself that energy needed to flow and so I just allowed the energy to be released without engaging my mind. I shut down my mind and I fell asleep. Unfortunately, I didn’t have pleasant sleep. It showed up in my dream and my sleep was continuously disturbed throughout the night.

I woke up in the morning feeling distraught.

I finally knew what it was.

It was extreme animosity towards the universe.

And what I got is that it wants to hurt the people that I love and ultimately to hurt me so that either I took my own life or continue to live life with full of regrets.

I finally told my husband about it.

Apparently my husband is familiar with this energy and he has been pointing out to me for months and years now and I, unfortunately didn’t take it seriously.

I felt immediate relief after I shared with my husband and that had allowed me the space to internalize what was going on with me.

Knowing how destructive this energy can be, I need to remain alert so I’m not consumed by it. I need to be aware that decisions that I make and actions that I take aren’t from this destructive space. One wrong action, that’s it, I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.

What I noticed for myself is that the moment I’m emotionally involved with this energy, I dig a hell hole for myself. The more I engaged with it, the more I’m vulnerable and susceptible to its destructive ways.

To be honest, right now, I’m exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally.

This whole experience brought me back to the time when I was depressed and suicidal years ago.

I had the thoughts to end my life.

But I didn’t do it.

What had stopped me from ending my life was when I heard a voice in my head that said, “If you do it, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.”

And the reason why I’m still alive is because I believe that voice.

It wasn’t easy to choose to live when all I wanted was to die. I wanted to die because I felt that life was too fucking hard and strangely enough I felt that I didn’t belong and I just wanted to go “home”.

But I keep on choosing to live everyday because I want to see how life unfolds for me along the way and I want to experience magic and miracles that I’ve created for myself and my life.

It’s not easy to share this “stuff” with the people that I love. I’m very lucky that my husband supported me when I went through this disempowering phase in my life. If I share this with my sisters, they probably ask me to “go back to God”. Do prayers and stuff like that.

I have no issues with believing the existence of God. I love God. It’s because of Him, I’m here in the first place. He created me and gave me life. (Let’s not get into the procreation bits) This led me to think about how I create my own reality.

While I was on my own the whole day yesterday, I’ve come to the realization that I was the one who created that side of me who harbors that extreme animosity towards the universe. I also realize that it was created out of the need for me to survive situation/challenge that I went through long time ago. It looks like it’s also deeply ingrained in my subconscious.

At first I was stressed because I didn’t know how to handle this situation. If this is a person, what I can do is I just don’t see this person. But this isn’t a person. It’s a part of me that I found that I should be wary of and in my personal opinion, it should not be allowed to live in this world.

Now that I know I was the one created it and now that it shows up at full force at this time, I guess it is time for me to let it go and release it. I have no use for it anymore.

I don’t know how long is this process for me. What I know is the intense is the energy, the longer time it takes to be released.

It’s so good to have the support from my husband. He’s very well aware of my current situation. It’s just that he’s away for work for 3 days and I don’t think being alone while going through what I’m going through is healthy for my own mind. Right now, I’m staying at my sister with her family until my husband is back.

Additionally, to ease my situation, I turn to energy healing and crystal healing. I started to wear my black obsidian necklace since yesterday. It helps to remove build up negativity caused by me. I cleanse my chakras daily with energy healing, I activated a crystal grid for further emotional healing and I sleep with black tourmaline for protection, rose quarts for it’s soothing loving energy and selenite for aura cleansing. I also tune in for guidance using tarot cards and my intuition.

My black Obsidian necklace

It sucks if I think that I’m the only one who is going through this emotional upheaval but I’m aware that I’m not the one. There are others who are battling their own demon and whoever and wherever they are, I hope they find their strength to move through it with grace and ease.

With Love
Hayatti