Death

It’s a topic that’s uncomfortable to talk about.

I bring it up because one of my aunts passed away a few days ago.

Her death reminded me of the two deaths that had affected me deeply.

One was my late cousin when I was a teenager, and another one was my late mother when I was a young adult.

With my late cousin’s death, I felt incredibly overwhelmed at his unexpected departure. At that time, I never experienced losing someone before. The pain was unbearable, coupled with my disbelieve that he was gone. My feelings were too much for me to handle, and I didn’t know how to process the intense feelings of loss and deep sadness.

With my late mother’s sudden death, I took a different route entirely. I shut down my feelings because I thought that I had to remain strong for my siblings. I can tell you that’s the wrong approach to deal with losing one’s mother.

In all honesty, I don’t think I ever get over my cousin’s death all these years. Although I know that at some point, I will have to deal with it so that I can be at peace with it.

With my mother’s death, I went through the stages of grief. I was in denial for years, and then I became super f*cking angry at God for taking her away from me. At that time, I couldn’t accept that it was her time to leave and move on. I had felt guilty, I had regrets and I was depressed for years. The only way for me to be okay with her death was knowing that she had suffered enough in her life, and death was mercy for her.

It has been more than a decade since my mother’s death. I’ve learned a few things that have helped me to finally be at peace with death.

My view is death is a necessary experience for the soul. Without death, the soul wouldn’t get to experience the variety and colorful lives on Earth. Whether it’s a peaceful or traumatic experience, that’s up to each of us and the agreement that our soul had made.

There is this idea that we can design our life, and therefore we can also design our death.

I’ve decided long ago how I am going to “leave”. I promise that it won’t be soon. I still need to complete the work that I’m here to do.

Do I feel sad about leaving the people that I love behind?
Yes and no.
Yes, because a part of me is attached to them. It doesn’t want to leave them behind. It wants to continue living, to have fun, to love, to travel, to experience what else it hasn’t experienced before, etc.
No, because when my time is up, that’s it. What’s on earth has no importance to me or rather my soul when it is time for me to leave. I’ve done what I needed to do and that’s all that matters. My best hope is for them to let me go as soon as possible.

If you find reading this scared the hell out of you, that isn’t my intention. If you think that I’m depressed and need help, I assure you that my mind is sound. I admit I do get depressed once in a while but today while writing this, isn’t one of those days.

I hope that my aunt is transitioning peacefully.
Rest in Peace aunty.

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