I think the pressure of the governments’ restrictions finally got to me.
I feel suffocated.
I’ve been feeling suffocated for weeks now.
A few days ago, I started to feel depressed.
I broke down in tears because of it.
I had pride myself on being able to shut down my chatterbox.
However, these last few days, I struggled to keep myself in check.
I failed.
I fell into the trap.
I unconsciously listened to the disempowering voices in my head and to make this worst, I believed them.
These voices in my head were mean.
They made me feel useless and worthless.
It was painful for me to go through my days feeling purposeless and unworthy.
It terrifies me whenever my thought goes to “I’m done”.

This morning, I made the conscious choice to see what was this depression all about.
I’m clear that I hate it when my movement is restricted.
I feel frustrated that I can’t do the simplest things like dine-in at my favorite restaurants, watch movies to the fun stuff like traveling.
I also realized something else.
In times of stress, I give away my power when I unconsciously choose to listen and believe the disempowering voices in my head.
What I had experienced the last few days reminded me of when I was depressed and suicidal a decade ago.

What has been brought to my attention is that I’ve got more work to do. I’ve got more healing to do for myself.
I need to grab the rein and reclaim my power instead of letting the disempowering voices ruling my mind and mess up my emotions.
Shutting down my chatterbox somehow doesn’t work as well as in the past.
I need to deal with the voices in my head head-on.
For someone who has the tools that had helped me get out of depression years ago, it got me thinking about the people who don’t.
How are they coping during these times?
What do they do to keep themselves sane?
Do they have support?
With what I have experienced these days, I hope and pray that they have all the support that they need to get through during these times.

My spiritual teacher has a quote, “Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you.”
I get it if some people cannot comprehend how things (especially “bad” things) that happened are “for” them.
When I first heard the quote, I didn’t resonate with the quote at all especially when I was looking from a victim’s perspective.
Often to victims, things happen to them.
When I finally took responsibility for my life, I got myself out of being a victim.
I reflected on what had happened in the past and along the way, I began to resonate with the quote.
Here’s what I believe, things happen for us so that we can transcend our fears, challenges, and limitations.

The depression that I have been feeling for days is showing me the area of my life where I need to work on and strengthen.
It shows me that the previous method that used to work has now become less effective.
It shows me how I can fall apart under continuous stress.
It shows me what happens when I let go of being responsible for my mental health.
Had I continue to let myself be depressed and think that all this happens to me, I wouldn’t have taken responsibility and have the clarity that it was me (or rather the voices in my head) that was making me miserable.

“Things don’t happen to you, they happen for you.”

When we are aware that things happen for us, and we dare to look deep within ourselves, we can discover the gems to expedite our personal growth to be a better human being.